...this is the life...

and change has come to america since the last time i wrote anything on this here, blog! the only time i really use my livejournal login is to comment on ONTD. love LOVE love the website and everyone there. i can sit and read comments all day from the family of ONTD. honestly! so while i was fuckin around on ONTD, i thought about my own journal on this site and what has been on here.
mainly i have written on here when i've been bored outta my mind and wanted it to look like i was working while at work. hahaha. thats why there are surveys and stupid posts. if you actually read, a lot of it started while i lived in maui. i had a day job at a water store. YES, a water store. the locals of maui would come to fill up their 5 gallon water bottles with filtered, clean drinking water from our store. the store also did delivers, had business accts and other shit too. so there were times where i would be sitting at the computer at the front counter of the store just typing away answering every survey i could find. because i had nothing else to do. the radio stations out there weren't too good. you better buy cd's if you have a certain taste. but i would bump the island music. i loved the island music. the slow love songs, the hoppin reggae, the ganja references....loved it all.
now i'm living in the rainy city. and its definitely rainy season now. it came quick. like damn it was just summer. but its all good. seattle is a beautiful city. they say we have a friendly city. i can agree to an extent. it aint maui though. walking front street in lahaina, everyone would say hi to you. maybe its because i was basically local and knew so many people anyways.
so anyways. i'm totally off the topic i want to be on. i started the blog with the topic i wanted. OBAMA. what a wonderful night on nov 4th. my boyfriend has been sick for the past week ( i finally got sick myself starting wednesday), but he was sick and sleeping on my lap when they announced obama had won. i was shaking him and telling him that he won but he was sleep still. hahaha. so i sat there and just cried watching the tv. this is history being made. my future "mixed" children will know that their are no limits in what they want in life and who they want to become. so many young men in this country have a strong man (black or not) to look up to made his dreams come true, who has real love with a wonderful family....a strong role model. its a beautiful thing. i thought i was done crying once obama finished his acceptance speech. but then biden came out along with michelle obama and i started crying all over again. beautiful beautiful. obviously i dont even have enough words to explain how i felt. just beautiful.
change has come america! but its still up to us to make the change happen.

been a long minute. so i think i need to write. kinda read through some of the things i wrote in the past and damn life just moves way too fast. so much has happened. so many people have come and gone from my life. so i'm not in maui anymore. it was really hard to leave, but i started making choices that werent good for me. lynds and i were the best friends but we knew we needed a change. (after i had moved, a few months later she ended up pregnant which was her dream to become a mom). 
so i am back in seattle. i lived with my mom for a bit. now i have my own place been there for over a year and i'm ready to find a house of some sort with my boyfriend. we been together for over a year. we are two weeks apart in age so thats nice and refreshing because we kinda went through the same things in the 80's and 90's. its funny to remember our childhood cuz it was during hte same time. cute. we been through a lot but we feel like this is it. right now we are living with my sister (who is single) and we also live with janea and her boyfriend. janea is there most the time but she maily stays with her grandma right now. so we have a full house. which is definitely difficult at times. maybe more on that later. 
i am working in medical administration in home health and hospice department. i am making the most money i have ever made. it can be a pretty intense and stressful work environment at times though. but i hang in. boy i miss the days of waitressing. it was a workout to serve customers and run around a restaurant also the cash in hand wasnt so bad. i hope to one day own my own restaurant or do something cool like that. just because i love the business and i feel like i know what people like. :) 
i have been through so much in this life. people my age are doing what i was doing years ago. the partying, the drugs and drinking...i did all that in maui. i did almost every drug i could get my hands on out there. lynds and i took over lahaina and had a blast. i'm sure i could go back and be recognized. lol. i have a lot of people down there...people i consider family. lynds had her baby girl kloe. she is getting big but i still havent met my neice. so i need to get down there. really sucks that our friendship has faltered. i blame it on myself. becasue i am not one to sit and talk on my cell phone. i'm on the phone so much during the day at work that once i get home, i dont wanna conversate on the cell. i feel bad ya know? but it aint me. i wish she emailed. i wish i could fly downt there wheneveri feel like it. thats my girl. i will never forget her and i hope one day we will live closer together. :) 
anyways i'm at work now. so let me act as if i'm doing something. peace and loyalty.

yo here i am again. so things are going better with the roommate. i told her that i wanted to move out and she agreed saying that it would be good for the both of us. if we want to have a friendship, i better move out. it will save our friendship definitely.
my mama is here. yay. i missed her so much. we been having fun. gone shopping, laid on the beach all day! she deserves it.
that damn boy i was talking bout. mr jekyll and hyde. well i am through. i just need to find some courage to let him really know. i am through playin games. he aint what i am looking for. its not me to stick around when the shit aint agreeing with me. i must admit we had a lot of fun, he was sweet at times, but i can't deal with the inconsistency. so there...
well shit i guess i didnt have a lot to talk about as i thought i did. so i'm jus gonna bounce. holla.

if i have made it this so far in my life doing nothing but me, i can handle anything. the shit that keeps being THROWN at me, wont stop me. it slows me down for sure, but i can handle you and your shit. i am grown more mature than you. i am so kind hearted. i have helped you with anything you needed. i have been there for you when you thought you couldn't go on. i dont ask for much, shit i wont even ask you for anything. but seriously, i dont think i can continue living the way that i am with you.

ok ya'll. i decided to move out of MY LOVELY HOUSE. i cannot keep living with my roommate. when i first found out she wanted to move to hawaii and live with me, i was pumped. she was perfect. she was responsible, she wants to do shit with her life, she was koo, we never fought. WELL FORGET ALL THAT. its all changed. these last six months living with her were fun, but a real challenge. she didnt want a mom, she wanted to be indenpendent, but she simply can't handle her shit. i dont want to be a mom, i dont want to be a maid, or a taxi cab, i want to live my life in HAWAII.

i do so much for her...she wants a ride to work at 6 in the damn morning, she got it. she wanted to borrow my car, she got it. she's hungry, shit, i will whip something up for you. laundry is dirty, dishes need cleanin, the rugs are filthy, the toilet needs scrubbing, WELL SHIT. tara will do it all for ya. live your life girl. go party, smoke your weed, drink yo beers, lay in the sun, go to work, I GOT IT ALL.

i am so tired of that. i go to school full time. i work two jobs. i need money to go to school, i need money for gas, i gotta pay rent, we need shit for the house...dont worry i got it! i hate it. have some responsibility. step up to the fuckin plate.

so i have made the decision and my mom will be here today to have my back. i am moving out. already have a room. decided to move in with my girls. they are 28 year old twins who have their shit together. well as much as anyone else would. they can handle it. they have a three bedroom house. i will pay the same amount i am paying now because i will have the biggest room and my very own bathroom. not to mention i will air condiitioning in my room and dsl for my laptop. so i can talk and be online all damn day.

this is what i need to be sane for my last six months on this island. i plan to move out of here when i get my AA degree in december. i want to end my time here in a good space with good energy. my girls got that. i am tired of not wanting to come home, i want to be able to come home to my house and feel good in my house. i dont have that right now...i have to make a decision. and i did. so here's to another journey....

ok heres another...but i gotta write today. i know it.

A - Age you got your first kiss: oh boy...we was playing doctor with the neighbor boys wen we were young. maybe...7? or a real kiss. like knees go weak and you forget to breath - 13!

B - Band listening to right now: none at da moment

C - Crush: uhm...maybe richard. but no one really.

D - Dad's name: daniel.

E - Easiest person to talk to: alex.

F - Favorite ice cream: vanilla with peanut butter cups.

G - Gummy worms or gummy bears?: bears! or the sour gummy worms

H - Hometown: born in sitka, raised in seattle, currently reside on the island of MAUI

I - Instruments: i played violin in the fifth grade

J- Junior High: south shore which is now known as aki kurose

K - Kids: someday.

L - Longest car ride ever: wen we drove from port angeles to california

M - Mom's name: lori

N - Nicknames: t, tj, taralove, wish. i dunno

O - One wish: to succeed

P - Phobia[s]: things crawling on me, i hate that

Q - Quote: its better to be hated for who you are, than to be loved for who you are not

R - Reason to smile: the fact that i got another day to live...

S - Song you sang last: cadillac love by ashanti and lloyd

T - Time you woke up today: 7:46 am

U - Unknown fact about me: i have a freckle on my baby toe

V - Vegetable you hate: peas.

W - Worst habit(s): ask somebody, but i think biting my nails. and i have a temper problem. hahahahaha

X - X-rays you've had: uhm none?

Y - Yummy food: top ramen. hahahaha

Z - Zodiac sign: leo, baby...




ok enuf of that. there is so much going on in this universe. it seems that all of a sudden i gotta be hit with forty things at once. family issues, personal issues, stupid boy issues, work issues and fuckin financial issues. why?!?! it seems that for me, it all comes at once. it will be going good for a minute, then i get hit wit it. its never one thing, let me deal and its koo. oh well. i guess i have to be up for the challenge huh?

so there this boy out here that i been spending time with. he knows i aint tryna be serious at all. (i'm a free spirit, he says. he just wants to be a part of that, he says.) so watever. but all i have seen from him if like jekyll and hyde. one minute he is the cute, artist and very creative guy and the next he's a raging alcoholic and doing some negative shit. ugh. i reached the last straw yesterday. besides it basically counted as his last strike. i aint attached. i didnt want to be, so its easy for me to be done. but i jus need to tell him that we can't ever be more than friends. too much to put up with. i think i am somewhat verbally abusive. i am finding this out with this guy. sometimes i say things and i'm like damn i am realy mean. but i mean he asks for it. whoa thats bad. but my mom is coming out to visit on the 28th and i was mad at him for some shit he did. so i was like, what makes you think my mom wants to meet a guy a like you? you can't even handle your own shit. okay ya'll he's 24 and he acts younger than my 15 year old cousin. (WHICH HAPPY EFFIN BIRTHDAY BLUE. YOU ARE OFFICIALLY 15! dont worry i will call ya when i finish this entry!)

so yea. and i guess i owe the taxes a lot of money too. state and federal. dont they know i am out here going to school, working two jobs and struggling as it is? but now i gotta pay them dudes about 600 dollars total?!?!oh boy if only they knew. come live my life for a week. geez la weez.

i am a huge complainer today cant ya tell? i bet be done wit it. i will write soon. one.

ppl tell me to fill these out. they fun. but dont ya all know this shit aready.

Name: tara
Birthday: august 21, 1985
Birthplace: sitka, alaska
Current Location: lahaina, hawaii
Eye Color: greenish yellow
Hair Color: BLONDE
Height: 5 Foot and maybe 6 inches
Right Handed or Left Handed: Right Handed
Your Heritage: jus a white girl
The Shoes You Wore Today: my black slippahs
Your Weakness: my girls (sky, vonna and sissy)
Your Fears: not much, i hate the feeling of something crawling on you
Your Perfect Pizza: lots of cheese and maybe pepperoni-depends
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: get my degree and move off this rock
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: lol
Thoughts First Waking Up: can i sleep any longer?
Your Best Physical Feature: my eyes, but most would say my dub-d's
Your Bedtime: dont have one.
Your Most Missed Memory: being in seattle with those foos
Pepsi or Coke: coke--duh
McDonalds or Burger King: mcdonalds. only like once a month i let myself
Single or Group Dates: single
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: NONE of thee above...I hate Tea!
Chocolate or Vanilla: vanilla
Cappuccino or Coffee: cappuccino
Do you Smoke: sometimes
Do you Swear: all the time
Do you Sing: yeah in my car and in the shower if music is on
Do you Shower Daily: no it ruins my hair...every other day
Have you Been in Love: I have
Do you want to go to College: doin it big right now
Do you want to get Married: someday
Do you belive in yourself: most of the time
Do you get Motion Sickness: nah i can handle
Do you think you are Attractive: sometimes
Are you a Health Freak: Not really
Do you get along with your Parents: yep
Do you like Thunderstorms: nope
Do you play an Instrument: no way
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: um...Yah
In the past month have you Smoked: I would have to say yes
In the past month have you been on Drugs: again is marijuana a drug.
In the past month have you gone on a Date: nope
In the past month have you gone to a Mall: of course
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos: no
In the past month have you eaten Sushi: YES i live on an island.
In the past month have you been on Stage: no
In the past month have you been Dumped: no
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping: nope
In the past month have you Stolen Anything: That is confidential information
Ever been Drunk: Well that is usually what happens when you drink alcohol
Ever been called a Tease: yea
Ever been Beaten up: What? ME? Beaten up? Yah right!
Ever Shoplifted: Didnt I say that was confidential information?
How do you want to Die: in my sleep
What do you want to be when you Grow Up: i thinkin psychology
What country would you most like to Visit: spain
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color: brown
Favourite Hair Color: brown or black
Short or Long Hair: usually short or if its long better have braids or some shit
Height: taller than me
Weight: not fat
Best Clothing Style: matching clothes is a must!!!
Number of Drugs I have taken: again if mary jane is a drug, one
Number of CDs I own: Over 150
Number of Piercings: 8
Number of Tattoos: 2
Number of things in my Past I Regret: nothing.

L A S T ...

01. Last Cigarette: probably a month ago. i shared one with lynz.
02. Last Kiss: got a little peck last night, but a good kiss...sunday night.
03. Last Cry: hmm, been a while i think. OH NO, i teared up watching a movie last night.
04. Last Library Book Checked Out: i dont really check out books at the library. i usually jus go to borders and buy one.
05. Last Movie Seen In a Theatre: Ms. Congeniality 2.
06. Last Book Read: Inside a Thug's Heart by Angela Ardis. A book about Angela and Tupac exchanging letters while he was in jail in 1995
07. Last Cuss Word Uttered: fuck, i was in the car
08. Last Beverage Drank: Water
09. Last Food Consumed: nothing today...last night i had a small piece of pizza.
11. Last TV Show Watched: Inferno 2, last night.
12. Last Time Showered: last night before i went to sleep...
13. Last Shoes Worn: wearing my black flip flops (dey cald slippahs here!)
14. Last CD Played: listened to a mix in the car this morning.
15. Last Soda Drank: ohhh, prolly cherry coke at cool cat with keo.
16. Last Thing Written: see #15
17. Last Words Spoken: "i'm lazy" to my homeboy
18. Last Sleep: feel asleep around 12 last night and got up at 745 this morn.
21. Last Ice Cream Eaten: Jessica made me a personal blizzard at work last night. vanilla ice cream and peanut m&m's. yum.
22. Last Time Wanting to Die: hmmm never.
26. Last Big Car Ride: can't drive too far on an island. so either with sky and tabi to port angeles or me and alex on new years when we went to bainbridge.
27. Last Crush: keo, but i got him now.
28. Last Annoyance: Rachelle
29. Last Disappointment: Rachelle
30. Last Time Scolded: i'm grown, i dont get scolded.
32. Last Web Site Visited: myspace.com

N U M B E R O F . . .
01. piercings: 7 and on my way to the 8th.
02. tattoos: two and i am ready for the third. but no money.
03. height: 5'6"
04. shoe size: 6 in boys, 8 in womans
05. hair color: blonde and i love it.
06. siblings: i have one blood sister. but i have a lot of "sisters"....sky, sophia, janea, boopy...

L A S T . . .
01. movie you rented = fat albert
02. movie you bought = i just bought manchurian candidate and lil' pimp
03. song you listened to = signs by snoop, the neptunes and justin timberlake sings on that track too.
04. song that was stuck in your head = i'm a rich girl...nananananananaaaaaa
05. cd you bought = John Legend
07. person you've called = uhm no one today...i think it was keo
08. person that's called you = Lynz
10. person you were thinking of = sky for some reason
11. friend you made = "tha godfather!" hahahaha

D O Y O U...
01. you have a crush on someone? = no, i think i am over that crush with keo. but i do have a crush on this guy in my class but thats it.
02. you wish you could live somewhere else = yea and no. i am ready to move on from maui, but i love it so much here.
03. you think about suicide = when i was younger.
04. you believe in online dating = no
05. others find you attractive = sure
06. you want more piercings = yea i already said that. i want my belly button now.
07. you drink = yea i take some sips.
08. you do drugs = well...
09. you smoke = when i am with lynz and we are drinking champagne, i might share a cig with her, but i dont usually. as for other things, well...
10. you like cleaning = yea, but not my house. its messy cuz of rachelle. i pick my shit up.
11. you like roller coasters = yea, WOW it been a minute since i rode one. Wild thing?!?!
12. you write in cursive or print = print, never cursive. wonder why?

F O R *O R *A G A I N S T ...
+ long distance relationship: AGAINST, been there done that.
+ suicide = against, but things happen
+ killing people = Against
+ teenage smoking = Against
+ doing drugs = is marijuana a drug? because some people smoke it for their health. if it is, i am for weed, but against ice, crack, heroin and that other junk.
+ driving drunk = AGAINST...why endanger someone else's life?!?!
+ soap operas = AGAINST...can't stand them...but i did like 90210 thats kinda soap opera

F A V O R I T E . . .
+ thing to do = lay on the beach, write, listen to music, shop, sing to myself, dance....sleep
+ thing to talk about = anything. i like to talk
+ sports = basketball, football.
+ drinks = cold water, cherry coke, and my fruit punch.
+ clothes brand = roxy, angel, uhmm i dunno i jus buy stuff thats comfy and fits.
+ movies = set it off, love and basketball - those are my all time favs. but after that the list goes on and on and on and on and on
+ singer = alicia keys, lauryn hill, john legend
+ holiday = christmas, thats when the family TRIES to get together.

H A V E Y O U . . .
+ ever cried over a girl = yea, i cried when i saw sky in december.
+ ever cried over a boy = yea, dumb boys.
+ ever lied to someone = yea prolly so they would leave me alone.
+ ever been in a fist fight = yup
+ ever been arrested = No...pretty close though

W H A T . . .
+ shampoo do you use = herbal essence
+ shoes do you wear = usually jus my slippahs. but i also wear heels for work and i sometimes wear my chucks or my nike boing boings
+ are you scared of = not succeeding.

N U M B E R . . .
.. of times you have been in love? = three times.
.. of times you have had your heart broken? = Enough to never forget
.. of hearts you have broken? = shit, prolly none. naa, i have broken some.
.. of girls you have kissed? = three
.. of boys you have kissed? = damn hold on, let me count, maybe around 30 or more. shit no clue.
.. of drugs taken illegally? = only one drug
.. of people you would classify as true, could-trust-with-your-life type friends? about 5
.. of people you consider your enemies? = i am over it, but theres a few
.. of times your name has appeared in the newspaper? = oooh i been in the seattle paper quite a few times.
.. of scars on your body? 3
.. of things in your past that you regret? = dont regret a damn thing

gawd. i swear i just wrote a post about friends and how you can't trust too many people in this life. i am beginning to learn that i can only trust myself and i can't depend on ANYONE. ok, maybe my mom, sister and alex has been there. but really i can't depend on NO ONE. that sucks and is kinda depressing to hear. i help people out all the time. i am there when you need me and i drop everything when you need me. watever. i am out of here in less than a year. looking forward to that shit.

my fuckin phone is all messed up. got into it with a t-mobile lady the other day. then my mom got into it with one of them over the phone. they are trying to dick me and mom. so i am going to get my own plan so mom dont have to worry about it. i am getting a tight ass phone too. i aint never had a nice phone just some ugly old nokias. so yay. i will do that today. lets hope i can do it. shiiit.

SUPER BOWL FUCKIN SUCKED. i made so many bets. thank god i went across the boards and not allt he way or i would have lost a lot of money. but i won a little bit. and man the patriots. i hate them right now. alex and i made a bet, but we didnt say what we would win until after the game. so he won, AGAIN. he always wins our bets. so i will see what i have to do.

ok there is a dude who lives in jersey. we been talking for like three years almost. bombest dude i have ever seen. we talk on the phone, send letters and shit. we go through periods where we are both busy and doing to the school and work thing...so i sent him a little card to say i missed him. he texted me (when my phone was working) and he was sooo happy. this is a guy who is doing shit wit his life. i aint met a dude like him. he is determined and has goals. none of these dudes i am dealing with is like him. alex, he is going with the flow, maybe moving to california or vegas, ok, bye! domo, he got a job now, living wit his boy, his boy's girl and baby. ok. have fun wit that. phillip, he got an ok job, just moved into his own house wit his boy Jay. thats koo. but uh, naa. so this dude i am going to try to get.

i have decided to try to apply to the University of Pennsylvania. its a damn Ivy league school, but i will try. its a half hour from my auntie's house. i would love to live with them. i lived with them for a whole summer in seattle and we all got along great. we will see though. gotta try allt he options. so anyways off to psychology class. we talkin bout death and dying today. great stuff!

loves, me

wat is the real deal? well i am chillin at school this morning. i should be applyin for scholarships, but i thought i should write some shit out. yea, scholarships. theres a webpage that finds scholarships for you. so i been filling some out here and there.

so i am here for another year. i went through a period these last two weeks where i was thinking i should just transfer to a university after this semester. after long emails and talks with mama, i am staying here to finish what i started. i miss seattle so much that it hurts sometimes. but i need to finish this. i would prolly regret it later if i didnt.

philly seems to be slippin and slippin even more. i am not giving up on trying to get there in march. but looking up airfare...DAMN. $1000 to just get there? if i do that i will have no spending money while i am there. so i dunno what i will do now. i am still gonna save. but maybe i will jsut go during the summer? we will see. i have to get out there!

there is this new site that erryone is talking about and everyone is in...myspace.com. so imma check that out and do scholarships. love you lots. peace.

been a minute since i wrote. just need to update on what this life is leading me into. hard shit, thats for sure.
i love living on my own and being independent, but there are some hardships that come along with it. financial shit is no joke. i hate scrounging up every dollar and penny to just pay rent every 10th of every month. but then something good happens. i am getting way more hours at my job and a raise. thats $10/hour, baby. hopefully i will see some changes in the checkbook. some more mONeY!
being back on maui after my trip to seattle was a little depressing. isnt that sad? coming from rain into the sunlight, depressing? well it was for me. everyone that i love and i know loves me, is in seattle. i know i have a great support system out there. in maui, i have myself. rachelle lives with me but she deals wit her own mess. i hate asking for help too, so i do shit for myself.
school started too. i have some pretty good and interesting classes. i am taking a biology class cuz i have to to obtain my degree. but science is not me. hard stuff, but since its about the human life, hopefully it will be interesting and the professor aint hard to look at let me tell ya! hahaha. nah but to be in psychology i want to know as much as possible about the human body and how we work...i am also taking developmental psychology, philosophy and an art class. which i can't draw if my life depended on it. but our first project is a autobiographical collage and i can for sure glue some things on a piece of paper and make it look pretty! now i just need to start getting paid so i can buy my school books and watever else i need. i want to do well out here. i am making a lot of people proud and that is what pushes me.
how many times do i mention that boys are stupid and that they suck? well i am gonna say it again: they suck. my best friend is a boy. we love eachother to death and we will do anything for each other. being in a relationship with him, would be perfect. we are perfect for each other. but, it would never work. that is so discouraging. i am tired of these boys...the boys who want me, i am uninterested and the boys i want, dont want me like that. so where is HE? love stinks ya'll.
so my hopes for the new year...yea. i have some alright. i am going to school full time and working every night of the week. crazy right? i do get a beach day though, actually i might get two! but all the money goes to rent, car insurance and my mama phone bill. after that, whatever is left is being saved in a jar. i am figuring that if i can put at least $20 a week into my jar, i can go to philly in march. its my dream to come to the east. my aunties, i havent seen them for a year and a half. its going on two years. these ladies, i used to live with, so this is a stretch. i seen my cousin over the holidays...but i hadnt seen her for a year and a half. wat a reunion, my baby face ass cried! ask her. hahaha. awwww. so i will get to see my aunties and then also one of my best friends and soulmate lives in jersey. he is god sent. we will finally be able to look into each other eyes. we dont even need to talk. its just there. i love that. so that is one of my hopes for this next year. my other hope is to get my degree. i have this semester then one more. damn. for me to walk around, knowing i have a degree pumps me up. going off of that, the next hope is to apply for these universities that i am interested in...i would love to get into University of Washington. Damn the cuties at that school....syke that aint even it. my mama went there. i love the campus and i know that i would succeed. i will also apply to evergreen, western, seattle university and maybe eastern. after that maybe some in california cuz my sister might go there. i know some people out there. after that, and i have my bachelor degree, i want to go to recieve my master's somewhere on the east. that is when i will count on my richie or my aunties to live with them while i continue to be a poor ass student. hahahaha.
wat else?
i am also working on a lot of relationships in my life. boys are not everything. having someone to hold you at night, isnt that great if it aint right. but the friendships that you hold close are the best. my best friend, the one who has the same tattoo as i do are working on our friendship...we were starting to falter, but we aight now. we working on it. then one of my really good friends that i met in high school right away...we started to slip, but now we are back on track and she is a true friend. then i got alex. we working on us. i am trying. gotta open him up first. then...there is phillip. we met in 6th grade. yea we deep yo. we got mad love for eachother and we are trying to stay in contact. time differences are crazy. then there is domo. i will always love him. he was the high school sweetheart that i lost when i moved. i saw him while in seattle for christmas. he look good. and he got a job right after i flew back here. he doing things. i am proud of him and i truly miss him. while i was there, he told me that i never call. but uh, he has my number as well. i dont want to bug ya know? he is doing his thing and "experimenting". which he never really go to do. so he is doing it. i dont want to interupt, but maybe i will call him more. i was gonna cal him when i got back to maui...but i got sick so my voice is gross. hahaaha. now i just lost my voice completely. no fun.
well i am at school and i am typing a damn book. so i gotta research if i can get these text books for cheaper...we'll see.

i feel the need to write. to just let everything go out on paper...but i truthfully cannot find the words. for once...I, who never shuts up, cannot find the words to express these feelings that i have. yes i wrote about the stupid boys earlier today...but that is not my life...

no matter where you go, the friends and people you meet are just like those that you met before. people use you. they use you everyday for something new. i have no idea why...but they do. whether they use you for your car...your money...your house...they use you. how do you find the people who are not like that?

self doubt is a bitch. excuse my use of words but how else can i put it...thats really wat it is...i doubt myself, my ability to perform in whatever...school, work, friendships, relationships. i dont only fear them, i avoid them but then seek them out. how stoopid does that sound?

trusting someone is huge...i only trust a select few people in this life. if you go around putting your trust in a lot of people, you are setting yourself up to get hurt.

i can't explain it well enough. the words i am typing right now are really just pouring out of my brain and into my fingers. i can't really control it, but then i choose not to. why can't i express how i feel? why can't i just say it? do i fear to hurt others?

i am pissed off at one of my friends...i havent even been able to express why. she knows why of course, cuz she did it to herself. she did it knowing that i would be hurt. she sat and told me that we are friends first...chicks before dicks, tara...remember that? i have always followed that. i never tried to put no dude ahead of my girls. if one my girls was feeling him, i would let him be. even if he came onto me. why do i have this rule for myself and the respect of my friends, but they can't see the same? why do i put myself out there and maybe pass up an opportunity for their well being and the kindness i have for them? why? prolly because i care about others more than myself. that sounds right. like this chick. she just wants to fuck around wit a dude. she basically said that. "i like to kiss boys, tara. i havent kissed a boy in a long time." thats great for you. i kiss boys too. but not when my good friend already had her tongue down his throat.

but then again, it aint all her fault. he obviously wasnt into me. or scared of me...not physically scared, but scared to get attached. because that is my type. not a one night stand type...well not usually *wink*...but thats something different. i am deeper than that. there is more to me than that. they can see this when they speak to me. they know this. but then they choose the other. the easy way. the one that doesnt have any depth to them. again i ask why?

the mixed actions that he throws out, puts me off. one minute he is leaning into me telling me a secret or whispering that i smell good. the next he is sharing the houka wit her and basically stickin his tongue into her mouth. then he is back next to me...with his shirt off...and his soft skin along mine. i know he feels it, i can see it in his eyes. the sparks that fly between us is too bright to miss. they all see it...except her. her cloudy vision wishes and hopes that he sees her while he whispers something new into my ear...

now i ask you this...is this real? or me simply just typing away...its on you to judge...believe what you see but doubt what you think...its not always the same...

and aint that the truth?!?! boys are very stupid. i am over them. where are the good ones? so i have been having fun with some boys out here in hawaii. but they all are stupid. lets see where shall i begin?

"J"...he is koo. he's the type that wants to pay for everything, buy you shit...that is flattering but i dont like it. i work and i make money, i can pay for myself at times. so we were hanging out for about two months. nothing big, we went to dinner and a movie a couple times, chilled with friends at the house, shared some kisses, walked on the beach in the RAIN! we had some fun moments...then maybe a week ago. he came by the house, rara and i were chillin. he starts saying that he has something to tell me...that i deserve the truth...well ok. spit it out already. rara stayed in the room cuz we told him that she would know it all anyway. he basically had had a girlfriend for 3 and half years and this whole time he lied to all of us. i was so hot. what a conniver?!?! so basically i was done with that. i kicked it with him for the first time last night with justin and rara. he and his girl broke up. he broke up with her because of me. i guess he has cheated on her before but he never felt this way toward someone like he does with me! GRRRR. but i told him that he lost all priveldges...no sleeping over...we are strictly friends...

the o.c boys...these guys were koo. they were roommates and we all got along really well. rara with one and me with the other. they had really comfy beds so we liked sleeping over. i really liked the dude. we will call him matty. we got along really well. he was hilarious and we just fed off eachother. him and his roommate just came out here for the semester off. so we all knew they was leaving. matty is leavin dec. 16. so i wanted to just chill with him and have fun before that. he told me that he didnt want to get attached or anything. thats koo, wateva. but then we started going over there alot and we brought friends. morgan was the main one. him and morgan started flirting hard core. i would get pissed off but not really show it cuz we'd all be drinkin or something. but then she hopped into bed with him and i was done. rara and i went over there last night, knowing that she was there. when we walked in, one girl was on rara's guy and matty was chillin. but they had like five girls there. we bounced as soon as we walked in. the boys felt dumb and called us but damn, we are over it.

so those are the main guys out here. i aint really wasting my time with any of them...there are others but they are just there when i want them to be....

but there is always alex....
he lives in seattle. 2641 miles away from me. we went out a long time ago. i mean middle school days ya'll. when i moved out here, we hadnt talked for a long time. but all of a sudden we were on the phone for hours in the middle of the night. and we hit it off. i went home in june for a visit and we kicked it daily. then we realize that, hey, we might have feelings for eachother. so we continue to talk and plan for when i come home for christmas. then he meets this girl that i went to high school with. i hated her with a passion. she was a slut in high school. but they kick it on a daily. and i told him that i needed to take a step back to make sure that i didnt get hurt. which i already am. this makes him angry that i decide to step back. he begins to tell me that he loves me or watever. i really do have love for this dude. but i dont want to get played. we keep saying to just wait to hook up when i move back, but then he tells me that he wont be in seattle cuz he wants to move to cali. so basically there doenst seem like there is a future for us...but really, there should be. we get along really well. but man, i am kinda over it. he wants to choose up and choose her. go for it...i wont stick around to watch it.

why do boys suck?

so anyways. like i said i am going home for xmas. i leave here on dec. 23. and we come back on jan. 3! i am so excited. the twins turn 18 while i am there. new years will be a party fuckin night!!! and if alex and i are getting along. he is bringing me to the nutcracker ballet. cool huh?

lets see what has been going on here? uhm NOTHING. i actually have two weeks left of school. not even that actually. this is the last week of school, then the week after that...its finals. so i am done this week! i registered for next semester already. got some okay classes. then i will have one semester to do after that. i am pumped. ready to be done. rara's fone has been off for like a week. it sucks, cuz i been in a car accident and stranded somewhere and needed her. we have rent to pay this week, so we will pay that and see how much we can pay toward this phone. i feel bad cuz her mom was supposedly taking care of it for her. but obviously she aint. it sucks for rara. she can't be in touch with those that she wants. she has to use my phone and we work such different hours that when she's sitting at home, i am at work with the phone. so i feel bad for her. but we really look forward to our trip home.

anyways i am at work of course. so let me be done. i will write soon since i havent been. but i will hopefully find a boy thats worthy of my time...i will let you know. lol. love, peace and chicken grease. i am out.

last night we met up wit some of the boys...they took us out to dinner but i didnt eat. katie got a burger...watever. ok we were kinda dressed up. jeans, cute tops and heels. so mack was having people over like always. so we head over there. we had our wild passion alize, bottle of captain morgan, bottle of bacardi and some chasers. so we head over there and we play some drinking games. i wasnt in the mood to get all shit faces cuz i was goin to be the driver. but we ended up playin some game and rara and i took a couple shots. i had one beer and like three shots. so i stopped there. rara got so messed up. but it was hilarious. i dont remember everything. but i do remember playing xbox with john and justin and crashing into shit...it was some driving game. then rara and i went into the bathroom and they have like four doors in there. one to get out, one to one bedroom and another to another bedroom then a closet door. so we were in there for like ten minutes trying to decide which door would take us out of there. i had a camera wit me all night. we got so many pictures. there are pictures of me and rara kissing. she jumped on me and we just kissed. it was hilarious cuz it was mostly guys. they are all koo though. then there are pictures of rara taking a pee. then rara starting throwing up. hahahaha. she was leanin over the bath tub just letting it out. so i have pictures of that. hella random pictures.
then wat else happen. i was sitting outside on the porch talkin on my phone and katie comes running up to me crying like someone died. like ballin! she runs to me yellin my name. it was funny. her boyfriend went to phoenix for like two weeks...and something happen on the phone that wasnt even too drastic. but it was hilarious. i was laughin at her. wat else. so then we go to leave and rachelle is still messed up. katie and i are tipsy but we are koo. rara tries to put on her heels and i was trying to grab them and i was telling her no. i am not going to watch you fall on your face on the sidewalk. i already have to drag you to the car in heels. all i remember is adrian laughin his ass off. i dont know why it was so funny. rara couldnt even walk straight. but we make it to the car and rara was wearing one of those tube top dress things that you can wear with jeans. its loose but not like falling off. so katie just grabs it and pulls it down. we all just start laughin and we can't stand up so we are like layin on top of my car. i was making john, justin and javier follow us home so we made it aight. so finally we make it into the car...and rara is ready to pass out. so i am like DO NOT THROW UP IN MY CAR. she's like i wont and so katie and i are talkin watever laughin hella loud. rara is like laying out the window. hahaha. then she starts making these noises so i slam on the brakes and im yellin at katie to help her throw up cuz i dont want that shit in my car. lol. no big deal then we finally get to my house and rara is awake and drunk. she has katie and i on both sides of her and she is still walking hella crazy. we prolly ran into every wall. so we get her in and sit her at the toilet. she can't throw up but she looks like shit with her head in the toilet bowl. so katie and i take pictures with her. then we put her in bed and i give her a bucket and she just holds on to the bucket and lays down. she's holding the bucket like its her teddy bear...oh boy i got a picture of that too. it was a crazy night. wat else can i think of randomly?!?! oh wen rara n i were at mack's house we had to pee so we go in there and she goes first then i hop on right after her and she is still pulling her jeans on...she falls backwards into the bathtub and she is laughin hella hard. i am sitting ont he toilet just dying. she can't get out. it was hilarious. anyways i had to write all this down today because i will eventualy forget it. i had to get up today and work...now i am on my way home to sleep and when i wake up i wont remember last night. it was crackin. it was fun. and we got pictures to prove it.lol.

my sisters came and went. janea and tabi had a blast. it was fun. the weather was good and we chilled. it was fun. janea has never been anywhere besides seattle and vegas. oh and maybe florida...but this was good for her. she had fun and i have good pictures.
got a lot of dudes coming at me. its kinda flattering but then again its not. i'm not into it. i mean i have these guys back in seattle that i like...that sounds really messed up. i should be having fun and chillin...well thats exactly what i am doing. just i am not into hookin up wit no one. theres this one dude, he's 23. he's koo, but i know he aint really relationship type and he wants to mess around. then there are these two 21 year olds who are trying to talk to me. i just kick it with them. watch movies, play cards...just chill...nothing more...i still have feeelings elsewhere.
domo broke up with his girlfriend. janea was all happy and she made tabi tell me as soon as they found out. watever. it doesnt mean shit for me. i am still 26o0 miles away...i dont expect none of them to wait on me. although they all havin feelins for me, i know they wont.
alex and i still talk. i dunno wat the deal though. we dont talk as much. he been kickin it wit this girl that i really dont care for. he likes to see me jealous and thats irritating. so i just dont talk to him. then he will get mad because i am jealous and shit. i aint your girl so i can't tell you wat to do, but i will for sure tell you what i think about it. if he dont want to hear it, he shouldnt bring that shit up. he'll complain that i dont tell him what i be doing...but then he says that if he knew he would be extremely jealous. so i dont get it.
oh shit halloween. halloween here is a big deal. its like mardi gras here. i had to work that night. but what happens is they close down the main street in our town. this street has all the restaurants and bars...i work on that street. so i had to be a bouncer at my restaurant. i dressed up as a pimp...well i was in all black. a black sparkle halter top, a black skirt, fish nets. i had my hair cornrowed. i had a fedora with a peacock feather stuck in it....i had on hella bling. it was all in fun. i looked cute. i did my make up real dark and kinda cat eye. lots of glitter. i wore heels but when i was at work i wore my chucks folded down. so i looked cute...people kept asking if i was alicia keys. lol. but i put on a sticker that read mz.pimp. lol. so i stood downstairs and let people up or didnt let them up. the street was crowded with people. a lot of people stopped to take pictures of me or with me. i handed out candy to kids. then i had to work upstairs. we had on headsets too. so all the workers were talkin shit about people and the hoochies who had barely nothing on. it was fun. afterward, me and my girl walked up and down front street...checked erryone out...then i took her home and went up to my house. erryone was waiting for me. so we left to go to our boy monty's house for a party. it was koo. they had a live band. i had my bottle of jack daniels in hand. my roommate and i passed it back and forth. we danced a little but we mostly chilled on the porch and talked story. it was pretty lax. but halloween was fun. okay so thats that story.
i go to seattle on december 23. my homeboy called me yesterday and told me i have a month and 18 days left. lol. i aint even countin down like that. but i think alex is still pickin me up. he been trying to plan this thing for us. he wants to take me to the lion king. you know the big theatrical one from broadway. we both said we really wanted to see it, then it happens to be coming to seattle while i am there. so we supposed to do that and maybe just get a hotel afterward and chill together all night. that was really cute when he told me about it. he was also talking about maybe seeing the nutcracker. he's never seen it. i saw it once i think...its nice to see around christams. but lion king would be more fun.
ezgi and i havent talked lately. i feel like i dont even know here that well anymore. she kickin wit this girl. its not that i dont like that girl...but not with ez. but its watever. i have no idea wat will happen wit me and ez. like our friendship is dwindling. i have this damn tattoo of her name...and its like what if shit just falls. i would be hot. i would for sure get it covered with something. she has always said she would leave it on no matter wat. but we will see. i'm not gonna jump to conclusions. i think we can get shit fixed up.
mom been trippin on me cuz she thinks that i party too much. when in actuallity i havent been partyin mcuh. halloween was a mistake. i had a test early the next day and i didnt get home until 3. i dont think she should yell at me until she sees my grades slip. my auntie is trippin too. to the point that i aint even talkin to her. she pisses me off. she has nothing but negative shit to say. so i try to stay away. talkin bout if my grades slip, they gonna yank me out my place. no no. i am an adult now. i can handle my shit. i scrap up enough money each month to pay for this rent. i want this. i need this. i need to be on my own. i hate how people are doubting us. yes, we have some people over, yes, we go to friends house. yes, there is alcohol there. but i seem to always be to the designated driver. and we aint gettin shit faced, throwin up drunk. so i dont understand. wateva. i will just have to prove them wrong i guess.
it poured rain last night. i love it. its hot rain. my homeboy john and i went to rent movies and we just rain around in the rain. it feels good, relaxes you and smells really good. ahahaha. put me right to sleep.
well i wrote hella. so i should quit now...lol. no one reads this shti no ways.

went to baby shower today for a friend of mine. was really cute. it was beautiful to see her glowing. she is really realizing that she is going to have a cute little one here soon...maybe halloween?!?!
bought my ticket to go back home for christmas. last year i stayed here. it just wasnt the same. i opened presents and laid on the beach. dont get me wrong, i love the beach but its just not too christmas-y. so i get to go back and be cold. everyone is really excited to see me again. conejo, alex, tabi...my sister really misses me and that is so cute to me. i want to be a good role model, sister and best friend to her. she means the world to me. in my psychology class, my teacher said our longest relationship in this life will be our siblings. that is very true. i value what me and my sister have.
yesterday my roommate and i went shopping for our house. so exciting. we both had some money to spend so why not. we got his cute table with a magazine rack and a lamp. thats in our living room. we got some sheer black curtains for our living room. we are testing them out...we dont know yet...we got a yellow bath rug.our bathroom is really cute. we have an underwater shower curtain. so we are going with blue, white and yellow. we got this yellow fish as our toothbrush holder. really tacky but hilarious. and spongebob hangs out on our mirror. hahaha.
janea and tabi are coming out here for halloween. they will be our first real visitors at our house. so we want it to look good. so they will laugh when they see our bathroom. they come on thursday thats like five days.
so yea i bought my ticket to go home for christmas. alex is pumped. i miss his ass. everyone wants to see me, angie, rodney, phillip, everyone. i wont have enough time in the day to see everyone...ezgi really misses me too. she been having some challenges in her life lately. i feel like i need to be there for people.
i bought the new joss stone cd. that girl got vocal's yo. she can blow and she is only 17. she's like an old soul. damn...anyways. i am done. can't think of more to say right now. so i will go...buh bye

so rachelle is here...damn. its crazy. i just keep thinkin she visiting but she is here to stay. she moved here to live wit me. she moved here to be with me, she moved here to make herself somewhat better...i am hella proud of her. she already has a job and she been workin cleaning condos. so mannnn...go ahead girl...

school is going aight. nothing to complain about so far. so its koo for me...i can't believe that my sister is bout to be a senior...its crazy stuff.

but man i am sitting at work...juss chillin. thinking. alex told me that he does a relationship with me someday...when i aint "26"...that means 2600 miles away...he wants a relationship that wont end. man i can give it to him. i really do fuckin have feelings for him. i like the friendship we have built and shit if it stays how it is now, i can live wit it...if it gravitates to something more...i can live wit that too. but i dont want it to ruin what we already have. but i do think we deserve another chance. shit...someday right?!?

i saw the exorcist...wasnt that good. saw without a paddle, it was hilarious. there are hella good movies coming out this fall...some scary ones. they showed some good previews before exorcist. uhm...the new blade look good too.

i am funkin blabbin imma bounce and listen to my mariah carey...when there are no customers, i am singing along wit her. LOL. much love, me

ok i swear erryone has xanga. i just got it now and i dont get it. okay its cute...but uhm kinda difficult. please help. welp...

mines is www.xanga.com/ladywish821

so my sister came out here for my birthday to surprise me. and so did my mom. it was fun. tyler left to college on tuesday. my sister left on wednesday. but whoa, i started my classes of school this last week. crazy. so much goin on. rachelle moves out here on the 31. THATS THIS TUESDAY. so i been trying to get shit ready for her to come. we gonna continue to live wit my auntie until we get a place. i hope it aint too hard. i called up a place today. the female was really nice. but she said i should call back after rachelle gets out here and gets a job. since its low income housing, the whole income of the house needs to be known. so i could get the place on my own but then i need rara too. so i have to wait. she said there are still some available and just call as soon as we can. she was nice. so its kinda on hold right now. i know that every low income place i look at will want to know her income as well. so i just gotta hold off.

still talkin to alex. that shit aint gonna change. we gonna be talking forever. whether it moves up a few steps into a relationship or remains where we are now. it dont matter. i just love havin him in my life.

domo got a new girl. her name is sara. i talked to him, he called me teh day after my bday to wish me a happy birthday. he was camping the day of my bday. so we talked for a minute. i am glad that we are koo. but he was like oh sara likes you. and i was like waht the hell? i guess he talked about me and shit. thats koo. but when i move back she might not like me cuz i will be trying to take some of his time. lol. but its koo. as long as he happy. i only wish him the best.

anyways gotta get out of here to get to work. i will try to write soon. so much shit going on. so until next time. peace love and chicken grease. lol.

i think my new thing is to keep on havin love for alex...but dont think about the future. because that is where i start to worry and fret about petty shit. so imma juss chill. have my feelings for him and keep it how its been. i know he cares for me and all that...but he is handling his feelings so i think i can handle mines. if we hook up in the future, koo. but if we dont, i know we will be best friends basically. thats how close we are. i love that. having a guy as a best friend is koo.

another hour until i am off work. YAY. then i am bout to go home and clean up my part of the house since mama comes tomorrow. then i am supposed to go out wit jess and noelle. noelle leaves to honolulu on friday. she is moving over there to go to school. so we gotta have a girls night...this is like the only night we all have and i know noelle has family and shit to spend time with. so we might go see a movie or something. who knows?!? what is out anyways? i better look real quick.

bye. peace, love and chicken grease!!!! hahaha. that is rodney's thing so much love to ya rodney i am usin YO shit. anyways ciao nani.

my b.day is comin up...i am really pumped. i just know its gonna be a good ass day. my mama is coming tomorrow (wednesday) and will stay until the sunday. so it will be a lot of fun to be with her. i have a bunch of time off so i will have time to spend with her. we havin a big party on the beach during the day on saturday! i am ready for some surprises. i know there are some coming my way, erryone is teasin me like crazy.

well i admitted it. i am in love with alex. i told him. i didnt need to cuz he already knew. but its like i am more physical and want to be around the person, feel the person...not sexually...but you know? feel their energy and just be around them. so although i admit that i am in love with him, it could be deeper than it is. but man i hate myself sometimes because i feel like i fall for people and that just opens me up to be hurt easily. its like i put myself in a position to rejected, let down and hurt in the long run. like why the fuck do i allow myself to fall for alex knowing that i will be here for another year. GRRRRRRR. movin on.

i'll write later.